Project Akatsuki
by Halfdemon896
Summary: if you woke up as a different person, would everything change for better or worse? rated m for language and violence


**Yello my friends. this is going to be my second story and first cross over. just so you note this is basicly going to be fight club with naruto characters. i always thought certain characters in the movie were kinda like certain characters from the show so there ya go. enjoy and constructive criticism is always welcome. **

* * *

People are always asking me if I know Sasuke Uchiha.

"Three minutes." Sasuke smirked "This is it, ground zero, have any words to mark the occasion?" I garbled something out. With a gun barrel between your teeth you speak only in vowels. He removed the gun from my mouth. "Can't think of anything." I muttered out. For a second I totally forget about Sasuke's total control demolition and wondered how clean that gun was. Staring out the floor to ceiling windows of the abandoned high-rise Sasuke spoke "Getting exciting now." You know that old saying you always hurt the ones you love, well it works both ways. I lean out of the office chair my beaten body currently occupies to look out the same windows as Sasuke. We have front row seats for this theatre of mass destruction. The demolitions committee of project mayhem wrapped the foundation columns of a dozen buildings with blasting jelly. In two minutes primary charges will blow base charges and a few square blocks will be reduced to smoldering rubble. I know this because Sasuke knows this. "Two and a half." Sasuke mumbled "think of everything we've accomplished." And suddenly all of this; the gun, the bombs, the revolution, has something to do with a girl named Sakura Haruno. Then I thought all the way back.

Choji. Choji had bitch-tits; this was a support group for men with testicular cancer. The big moose that's slobbering all over me, that was Choji. He sobbed uncontrollably "Were still men?" my reply was less enthusiastic "Yes, were still men; men is what we are." Eight months ago Choji's testicles were removed, then hormone therapy. He developed bitch-tits because his testosterone was too high and his body upped the estrogen and that's where I fit "They have to open up my pecks again and drain the fluid." Between those huge, sweating tits that hung enormous. The way you'd think of gods as big. Finally able to console himself he was able to squeeze out that I could cry. No, wait back up, let me start over.

For six months I couldn't sleep. With insomnia nothings real, everything's a copy of a copy of a copy. When deep space exploration ramps up it'll be the corporations that name everything; the IBM stellar-sphere, Microsoft galaxy, planet Starbucks. "I need you out of town a little more this week; we got some red flags to cover." My boss, Sarutobi. This was the kind of guy that color coordinated his ties to days of the week. It must have been Tuesday he was wearing his cornflower blue tie. "You want me to deprioritize the current reports until you advise those status upgrades?" just because I hate my job doesn't me I can't do it right. "Make these your primary action; here's your flight coupons, call me from the rode if you hit any snags." The words flying out of his mouth as if he couldn't wait to get away from me. He was full of pep. Must have had his Grande latte enema.

My home life was no better than my work life. Like so many others I had become a slave to the ikea catalog. "Yes I'd like to order the pekkari Indus sofas." Ordering my next batch of self-improvement while sitting on my six-hundred dollar whirlpool twin jet toilet that auto cleans at the push of a button. If I saw something clever like a little coffee table in the shape of a yin-yang I had to have it. The Klips personal office unit, the Hovetrekke home excer-bike, or the ohanashan sofa with the strinne green stripe pattern, heck even the wire lamps with the environment friendly bleach paper cover. I'd flip through catalogs wondering, "What kind of dining set defines me as a person?" I had it all. Even the glass dishes with tiny bubbles and imperfections, proof that they were crafted by the honest, simple, hardworking, indigenous people of wherever. We use to read pornography, now it was the horschou collection.

"No you can't die from insomnia." The doctor looked like he needed more sleep than me. You could tell from the look in his eye that I wasn't the first oxford clothe, button down worker to stumble in demanding drugs for whatever. "What about narcolepsy?" I was persistent "I nod off I wake up in strange places, I have no idea how I got there." You need to lighten up." Like a smile would solve all my problems. "Can you please just give me something?" I spat tired of playing this game of nice patient. "No" not a second of hesitation in his voice "you need healthy, natural sleep. "Chew some valerian root and get more exercise." Trying to end the matter as fast as he could "hey, come on, I'm in pain." This time pleading, maybe he'll show pity but from the look on his face I could tell not. "You wanna see pain?" not really "Then swing by first Methodist Tuesday nights, see the guys with testicular cancer; that's pain." On second thought why not, got nothing better to do.

I walked in the group wondering what the name would be, they always seem to come up with some of the best names that you always cringe at seeing but always remember. This group was called Remaining Men Together. Just perfect. It started with group sharing, you know the "my name is so and so and I have such and such" well this is just like it but even more miserable. The first one up was named Kakashi. "I always wanted to have kids; two boys and a girl." so far so good "Lindy wanted two girls and a boy; we never could agree on anything." A small laugh rose up from him "Well she had her first child last week; a girl." wait for it "With her new husband." there it is "Thank god ya know, I'm glad for her, be-because she deserves it!" Tears bursting from the man's eyes, sobs racking his body. Everyone averting their eyes not wanting to make it worst but not knowing how to make it better. The group leader stood up putting a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "Everyone lets thank Kakashi for sharing himself with us." "Thank you Kakashi." The other inhabitants whispered in perfect emotionalist synchronization. I threw a garbled thank you out off timing, so it sounded like a small echo was in the room. "I look around this room and I see a lot of courage" Letting the dying masses known there balls sacrifices were not in vain "and that gives me strength, We give each other strength; it's time for the one on one so let's all of us here follow Kakashi's good example and really open ourselves up, would you find a partner?" and this is how I met the big moosie, his eyes already shrink wrapped in tears. Knees together those awkward little steps. "My name is Choji." I tried to introduce myself but before I could get barely a word out he grabbed me in a bear hug that threatened to choke the life out of me. Choji had been a world champion body builder. You know that chest expansion program you see on late night TV. That was his idea. "I was a juicer" he stated "using steroids, diaverol and listerol, they use that on race horses for Christ sakes." Tears threatening to break through the flood gates any second "and now im bankrupt, divorced, my two grown kids won't even return my calls." Tears pouring down his face. Strangers with this kind of honesty made me grow a big rubbery one. "Go ahead" looking down long enough to see the fake name I gave "Cornelius, you can cry." Grabbing my head and forcing it in between those tits. And then something happened, I let go; lost in oblivion, dark and silent and complete, I found freedom. Tears staining Choji's shirt. Losing all hope was freedom. Baby's didn't sleep this well.

I became addicted. If I didn't say anything people always assumed the worst. They'd cry harder then I'd cry harder. I did every single one; a tuberculosis clinic, incest survivors group, alcoholics anonymous. You name it I was there. At everyone it was the same. The same small broken coffee maker, the same half eaten box of donuts, the same sad blank faced people. I shivered with excitement every time. I wasn't really dying. I wasn't host to cancer or parasites. I was the warm little center this world crowded around. "Now were going to open the green door." It was guided meditation at my bi-weekly cancer seminar. "The heart chakra." I found that these sessions helped break the monotony of the meetings. "Imagine your pain as a white ball of healing light; it moves over your body healing you." She was on a roll today "Now keep this going, remember to breathe." Oops, breathings always important "Now step forward to the back door of the room; where does it lead?" I wonder "To your cave." "Step forward into your cave, you're going to find your power animal." My cave was a small frozen, ice covered hallway. Maybe it was a metaphor for something, who knows. I step forward minding my way as it was slippery and I didn't want to fall in my own head. I stopped in a flat open space big enough for two people. That's where I met my power animal… a penguin. This is almost certainly a metaphor for something, what it is I don't know. The small rodent with wings regarded me with a sideways glance before saying "Slide" then it was gone.

Every evening I died and every evening I was born again, resurrected. Choji loved me because he thought my testicles were removed too. Being there, being pressed against his tits ready to cry. This was my vacation. The sound of heels echoed through the open room. And she. Ruined. Everything. "This is cancer right?" she croaked out around the cigarette. Damn it.


End file.
